Sunday, March 9, 2014

In Which we Discuss how JK Rowling Writes ALL THE BOOKS.

A week or so ago, the attention of us Lady YAckers was brought to a now somewhat infamous article in the Huffington Post in which an author ascertained that JK Rowling, should she really care about writing and literature and all that stuff, should just STOP WRITING.  Because basically there is only so much space in bookstores and libraries and shelves in everyone's houses and she was TAKING IT ALL UP.  You can read that article here.


NEWSFLASH: Books unable to fight vicious onslaught of Casual Vacancy.  As witnessed in a bookstore near you.

As is our want, we discussed this article deeply and seriously, making many salient points.  Or at least our blessed Queens Laura and Sya did.  They made some truly intelligent and well worded assertions, delving into not only the practicalities of JK's obvious monopoly but also the philosophical depths of, well, life the universe and everything.  Later, some other Lady YAcks come along with some silliness (or, you know, actual cohesive arguments). Anyway, the whole discussion so obviously puts the debate around this article to bed that we thought it rather unfair not to share it with the world at large.  So, er, here it is:


Laura: Wow.

Laura: Just.

Laura: Wow.

Laura: Jealous much?

Laura:  “I’ve never read a word (or seen a minute) so I can’t comment on whether the books were good, bad or indifferent. I did think it a shame that adults were reading them (rather than just reading them to their children, which is another thing altogether), mainly because there’s so many other books out there that are surely more stimulating for grown-up minds".

Laura: I’m so sorry that we have to disband our book club on the basis that we are all stupid and have been wasting our time reading kid’s stories. Had we all been reading books that were “more simulating for grown-up minds” we surely would have seen how pointless this whole thing was, a lot sooner.

Laura: And JK so totally needs to stop writing to save what LITTLE ROOM THERE IS LEFT IN PUBLISHING to showcase the fine works of the disgruntled masses that have only made it to self-pub on amazon due solely to the fact that JK STILL WRITES BOOKS.

Sya:  “Dear JK, due to the fact that you are successful for writing children’s books that we all know aren’t really worth reading, crime books that are, like, totally easy to write and some other crap I - unpublished writer - am not successful at all. Your fault. Not mine. So piss off. KTHXBY.”.

Laura: Sorry to my writer friends. Sucks so much that you can’t get published or strike it big because JK already has. THAT’S THE REASON. RIGHT THERE. OBVIOUSLY. YOU SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERED THAT WHEN YOU CHOSE TO GO DOWN THAT PATH. I guess publishers and booksellers should just hang up No Vacancy signs because THERE CAN’T BE ANY MORE BOOKS UNTIL JK ROWLING STOPS WRITING.

Sya: Laura, I think you are onto something. As we are all more than aware, it is nigh on IMPOSSIBLE to buy anything that ISN’T by JK Rowling. Really, it’s time the monopoly commission GOT ON THAT SHIT.

Laura: WHY THE FUCK IS BARNES AND NOBLE SELLING FAKE BOOKS? I went in there a week or so ago and the store was FULL OF BOOKS. Thank GOD I read that article to see how mistaken I was for thinking that. OBVIOUSLY ALL THOSE EMPTY SHELLS are just a marketing tool to get you in to buy JK ROWLING’S BOOKS because they are the ONLY BOOKS IN EXISTENCE.

Sya: Yes. She has a BAZILLION pseudonyms. She can think of so many names because she is a WRITER. She is, of course, THE writer.

Laura: I have such an empty, hollow, sad feeling. My favorite books....they don’t exist. But yet I still feel like I read them. I’m so lost.

Sya: I’m sure old JK has written some self help books that will aid us in our confusion.

Laura: So, religious text....should those people GIVE UP NOW TOO?

Sya: Obviously. She’s got it covered. ALL OF THE BOOKS ALL OF THE TIME.  It’s SO UNFAIR.

Heidi: I bow to this conversation.

Laura: So............JK IS GOD.

Laura: SPREAD THE WORD.

Sya: Gosh. It’s all quite world changing. But I think that is EXACTLY what the article was leading to.

Sya:  Although perhaps she only wrote the Bible, rather than all that let there be light stuff.

Laura: I’m so upset. I have to go work on my book shelves. I have to file everything under R now.

Sya: Oh God. I work in a library. That’s the rest of the week wrecked work wise.

Before...
...after.
Laura: You’re probably out of a job. They only need one person since there’s only one author.

Laura: If you or someone you know has been dismissed from your place of employment because all books have been consolidated under JK Rowling’s name, call this number. You may be entitled to compensation. Class action lawsuit. I called it first.

Sya: Yeah. No need for alphabetising skillz no more.

Janice: I just read it. The first word that came to my mind was “Idiot”, second thing was.. what was that saying, about how people who don’t know much about something, really should think first before speaking on that subject?

Nicole: Oh, I stopped reading after the second paragraph. I have better things to do than read her nonsense.

Sya: I find it highly ironic that she was advised not to write it because it might sound bitter. Which, of course, it does. But what do I know - I only read books by JK Rowling, as (as Laura has so clearly articulated) do all the rest of us. Because they are the only books. Therefore, none of us are remotely qualified to have an opinion.

Janice: I couldn’t tear my eyes away because it was such a ridiculous argument: you are TOO successful, therefore instead of other writers rising to the challenge put forth and engaging in the competition that is part of a free market, you should just stop. Then other writers don’t have to try so hard and everyone wins...except the readers...and probably publishing as a whole.

Melissa: My thought? Sour Grapes. (Which is what her friend said. She should have listened.) And how come we’re bitching about JK and not, say, JAMES PATTERSON WHO TAKES UP 10 FREAKING SHELVES IN THE MYSTERY SECTION?

Melissa: But you all said it so much better.

Nicole:  JAMES PATTERSON. PUTTING HIS BOOKS AWAY WHEN I WORKED IN A LIBRARY WAS THE WORST. Second only to Nora Roberts.

Yeah, Huff Post - WHY NOT PATTERSON??

Sandy: Why would HuffPost even allow that nonsense to be published? It’s extremely petty and the argument IS RIDICULOUS. What irks me even more is that it’s another woman talking crap about JK Rowling. What happened to solidarity and girl power?!?

Melissa: Jealousy, Sandy, beats out solidarity any time.

Melissa: In all seriousness, you’re right, though. It’s hard enough to become a writer in the publishing world, we don’t need to be crapping on the ones that are successful.

Sandy: It’s just depressing that people have to crap on other people’s success. It’s not like JK Rowling isn’t deserving of it. Seriously. And don’t get me started on how children’s books are not worth the time. OAJDOSIHFJSKDHF SANDY SMASH.

Sya: James Patterson and Nora Roberts are the bane of my soul. He takes up almost the entire P section. JK HAS CLEARLY OVERUSED THAT PARTICULAR PSEUDONYM. Her agent needs to get on that before people become suspicious.

Donna: OMG guyz, you totes don’t understand. Lyke when sum1 gets rely bud at sumthing and there all lyke at the top and otherz r lyke tryin to use the football bat two cuz we all wants goals two than they shuld all lyke walk away and giv the rest ov us a chance bcuz its totes NOT FAIR that JK is always teh captain and im alwayz picked last and i want my turn! Fuk u i take my ball and go home.

Donna: My autocorrect now hates me.

Donna: Maybe if she didn’t keep kicking the ball into her own face she’d get somewhere. But, you know, so much for being good at something. Welcome to the world of participation trophies and EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE SO LETS HOLD BACK THE PEOPLE THAT ARE GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF WATCHING THE PEOPLE THAT SUCK FOUNDER.

Sya: Amen. As JK once wrote.  Probably.



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